It's interesting to look back upon a couple of years in which you've undergone formative growth, and to examine in 20/20 some of the insights and mistakes you had made about yourself. My recent foray into my past (re-reading the journals I kept through AmeriCorps and intermittently through college) both reminded me of conclusions and insights about myself that I'd forgotten I'd made, as well as--in the vast majority of cases--entertained or horrified me with my naivety, (phrased kindly), or stated more honestly, utter ignorance.
It was during sophomore year of college that I came to the point where I decided I had made the important transition from 'boy' to 'man'. I remember thinking that I had crossed a tangible threshold where my decisions were the result of synthesis of a multitude of influences, including my desires, my personal growth & development, the needs of my family and friends, and those of commitments I held. Little did I realize (this being prior to my study of sociology and social psychology) how situational the decisions we make really are. And how taking various influences into account in one's decision-making doesn't imply that you've weighed the importance of those influences, and selected a course of action accordingly.
Looking back to that time, though, when I was wracked by illness and self-doubt, and gained my motivation and confidence by sapping it from another person who was unequivocally supportive despite my depression, accusations, and foul temper...that was either childish or evil of me, neither of which is worthy of what I would call manhood. I'm sorry, Nate.
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